Good Grief: How to Talk to Kids about Loss

There's no manual on how to be a good parent. Everyone seems to be winging it, making it up as we go along. So, one important life topic that parents don't always know how to address right away is grief.

It's a very human experience that your child will face in one way or another in their lives.

Talking about what loss looks like and how it feels can make it easier to recognize their feelings, find support, and become more resilient as they deal with grief in a healthy way.

Grief Happens to Everyone

Grief is a complex set of emotions that stem from a sense of loss.

Although many events that trigger grief like job are commonly understood as something adults deal with, children feel the effects of significant loss like death of a loved one, divorce, or a friend moving away.

Puberty can also trigger feelings of grief as children adjust to a new stage of life physically, mentally, and emotionally. Other losses can be the death of a pet, a friend moving away, or changing schools.

Loss is a natural part of life, and early conversations with kids can center around the universality of the experience.

Help your children recognize grief and loss by identifying when they might be experiencing it.

You can say something like, "I know you're excited to go to a new school and also missing your friends. I understand--not being able to see them every day is a big loss."

Grief Brings a Lot of Feelings to the Party

Because grief is a complex set of emotions, it's normal to feel a lot--sometimes all at once! It's important to let your child know that all of their feelings are valid.

"It's okay to feel that way" can be a powerful statement. Your child may not be able to talk about their feelings all the time, and you may notice signs like irritability, strong emotional reactions, or difficulty concentrating.

You may even notice things that seem inappropriate like laughing during somber moments. Reassuring your child that this is all a part of grief can go a long way.

You can offer them support through hugs or holding them, or offering suggestions on what to do to help express their emotions in a healthy way.

Grief Doesn't Last Forever

Although there may be feelings of relief or excitement that come along with grief (and that's okay!), many grief emotions are painful.

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross uses a model of grief that has five stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

These stages don't happen one step at a time, and ofter overlap or come back again during a grief process:

The chart above shows the typical movement through grief, and the important part when emotions are expressed shows that, eventually, it's possible to move on.

Losses that kids face don't have to leave permanent scars. And although it can be difficult to accept while grieving, a lot of personal growth happens when kids and adults are allowed to experience grief.

You can learn a lot about yourself and those who care about you. You can come away with a deeper appreciation for life. You can even use the experience to become more resilient and face obstacles in the future.

When you can help your child recognize that grief is something everyone faces and model healthy ways of coping, kids benefit from knowing that their loss important and how to deal with it.