How to Help Your Kiddo Be a Gracious Winner

There are few things more exciting and fulfilling than a hard-fought win. There’s a sense of accomplishment and excitement that takes over, and it can be easy to let surrender to those feelings for a little bit.

However, the problem is that when there is a winner, there is also a loser, someone who - for as good as you’re feeling - is likely feeling just as bad or perhaps even worse.

At its core, gracious winning is about how we respond behaviorally to the emotional gap that arises between the winner and the loser.

We’ve all seen the gloating and preening winners who completely undo any positive regard that the win may have given them by belittling their opponent with outlandish displays and responses.

On the other hand, we’ve seen how impressive it can be when a winner can maintain a sense of context and empathy in the face of their triumphs.

Whether that’s a friend offering you a high-five after they beat you in a game of one-on-one, or a president-elect and vice-president-elect standing in front of adoring supporters focusing on uniting with their opponents for the good of a fractured nation, winning graciously is always something to be admired.

Don’t fight the natural, positive response that winning provides

Winning is fun, and winning feels good. This seems relatively simple, but there’s a biological reason for this: winning increases testosterone levels, which in turn increases dopamine levels that stimulate the brain’s reward systems.

Winning also confers benefits in terms of self-esteem and self-efficacy. Even when we’re not directly involved in the outcome (for example, fans of sports teams that win), we see similar increases in dopamine, self-esteem, and self-efficacy.

You read that right - the fact that my favorite basketball team worked tirelessly for an entire season to come away with a championship means that I, a person sitting on my couch who has never been in the same room as that team, will also have an increase in self-esteem and self-efficacy.

All this is to say that it’s natural to be happy following a win, and embracing that feeling is okay.

Let your kiddos know that it’s okay to feel proud and excited when they win, and that it’s even okay to let loose with a short celebration, but that they should try to bask in these positive feelings internally as much as possible.

Reinforce a sense of empathy following a win

Typically, if someone wins it means that someone else lost. Even for particularly empathic kiddos, it can be hard for them to pivot following a competition - the adversarial feeling tends to linger.

When your kiddo beats their friend at a game of ping-pong, it can hard for them to recalibrate and see that they are now standing across from someone they care about who’s feeling down and frustrated (even if they were pushing them to the limits of their ping-pong skill just a moment ago). 

Help your kids remember that the opponent ceases to be that the moment the competition is over and just becomes another person, friend, or sibling.

Explain to them that gloating in that instance is no different than being rude or demeaning to someone who is already feeling down about themselves.

Challenge them to think about how they feel when they’ve lost something and what they hoped to get from an opponent in those instances.

Practice and model social awareness and good sportsmanship

After a thrilling win, it’s seldom an issue to say “good game” to your opponent, but this is also an opportunity to practice social awareness: how does your opponent respond in that situation?

If the person just grumbles or shows frustration, it might be easier not to say or do anything and just give them a few moments to cool-off and process the loss. 

When playing family games, try to model gracious winning by complimenting the other person on their play (“you were killing me in the middle of the game there,” or “you’ve gotten good at this”).

Also, give back some of the relationship’s power by letting the loser pick what you play/do next and accept their decision, whether that’s a rematch or if they would prefer to move on to something else.