How to Handle Disrespectful Behavior from Kids

Disrespectful behavior might come in the form of deliberately defying your instructions, using a hurtful tone, yelling, or lying, but it's a moment every parent goes through at some point.

It can be shocking, leaving you unsure of what to do next. Or, it could develop into a pattern that leaves you frustrated and disconnected from your child.

But if you dig deeper into what's really causing their behavior, you can get to the root of the problem:

Take yourself out of the situation. When your child talks back or displays disrespectful behavior it can be hard not to take it personally (especially if they reference you specifically).

Remind yourself that it’s highly likely that - at their core - your child isn’t hoping to hurt or disrespect you. Giving yourself some mental distance will make the rest of the process easier.

Respond briefly but firmly to the act. Acknowledge that the disrespectful behavior is unacceptable in a controlled manner that isn’t self-referential.

Saying “you are not allowed to talk to me that way,” puts you in an adversarial position with your kiddo that might create a power struggle, while saying “it is not okay to talk to people that way,” sends a firm and direct message about the behavior more generally.

Look for the source. Once the disrespectful behavior has been acknowledged, help your child look for the source of these actions - if possible, completely set aside whatever precipitated the response from the child (e.g., telling them it’s time to turn off the TV and get ready for bed).

Ask your kiddo what is going on and what is bothering them. Be genuinely curious about their response, because this is well be useful information later.

Let them know you understand what they are saying, and offer words of support to help them get a better handle on their emotions in the moment. HeyKiddo™ Talk can help you with conversation prompts that won't leave you tongue-tied.

In addition, think about some other things that can put your child on edge.

Could they be hungry?

Are they tired?

Are they bored?

If your child is having trouble working with you to identify where their response came from, check-in on some of these popular reasons.

Resist the urge to give them a pass. While we want children’s boundaries to be flexible enough that they feel as though they have some room to explore, it is important for your child to understand that disrespectful behavior and defiance is not the way to flex these boundaries.

If your child tells you they are too tired to clean their room right now then that can be a conversation, but if they throw a tantrum or make a disrespectful remark then that isn’t on the table.

You can use the information that you found in your conversation to make things a little easier, but stick to your guns: if your kiddo shared they were too tired to clean their room and wanted to continue watching TV, say that you would help them for a few minutes to get started, but don’t let them off the hook entirely.

Circle back to the disrespectful behavior later when things have cooled off. Later in the day, or perhaps even the next morning, come back to discuss the disrespectful behavior or defiance.

Make sure to not only explain why it was inappropriate (e.g., was it hostile or aggressive, was their a sarcastic tone, did it break the golden rule of treating others the way you would like to be treated, etc.), but also make sure to explain why it doesn’t help them to get their needs met either.

If your child is disappointed that it’s time to leave the park, you aren’t going to know that they’re disappointed if they just scream “no” and runaway.

If your child doesn’t think it’s fair that they have to clean up something that they didn’t make a mess of, you’re not going to know that if they just give some sort of sarcastic retort.

Make sure they understand that they should feel comfortable talking to you about the things that they are upset about, but that disrespectful behavior shuts down those conversations quickly.

Disrespectful behavior is rarely just for disrespect’s sake, however. More often than not, disrespectful behavior arises out of something that is bothering your kiddo, and that may have little or nothing to do with the request or direction you gave.

Tapping into that source can help to make dealing with disrespectful behavior easier in the moment, and will be more likely to curb it in the future.