How the Loss of Allomothering Has Left Modern Moms Doing It All

Motherhood is a full-time job. It’s not just about caring for your child, it's about managing a household, keeping up with work, and maintaining a social life. And on top of all that, you’re expected to maintain your physical and mental well-being. But what if this model of motherhood - the one where a mom is expected to do everything herself - wasn’t always the case?

Historically, it wasn’t! There was something called “allomothering,” and it was a vital part of parenting that allowed mothers to share the burden of child-rearing with others in their community.

This type of parenting has almost disappeared in our society today, leaving many moms feeling isolated, exhausted, and overwhelmed. Let’s take a deeper look at allomothering, how motherhood has become a solo struggle, and why it’s time to bring the village back!

What Is Allomothering?

Allomothering is a term that refers to the practice of non-maternal figures, like extended family, friends, or neighbors, playing a significant role in the care of a child. In traditional societies, it wasn’t uncommon for mothers to have a network of support that helped with caregiving.

This allowed them to take breaks, rest, and focus on other things. Allomothering was practical and a deeply rooted cultural practice that highlighted the importance of community and collective responsibility in raising kids.

The Modern Motherhood Struggle

Fast forward to today…the model of allomothering has nearly vanished and been replaced by a system that expects mothers to handle nearly everything themselves. Modern moms often have little to no outside help, as families live further apart and busy schedules leave not much time to be involved in the community. 

The expectation placed on mothers has grown in recent years. Sometimes, social media showcases the “perfect” mom who can juggle it all, and there’s pressure to live up to this impossible standard. The myth of the “supermom” has become widespread—leading many moms to feel like failures when they can’t take on even more.

This solo struggle has real consequences! The mental health of mothers is at risk, with many experiencing burnout, anxiety, and depression as they try to manage the weight of their responsibilities. And this stress can bleed into all their relationships—with their partners, kids, colleagues, and friends.

Why We Need Something Like Allomothering Again 

Kids who grow up in communities where multiple caregivers are involved tend to benefit emotionally and socially. They learn how to form healthy, supportive relationships and gain a sense of security in knowing that there are always people they can rely on.

So, why not bring back allomothering in some form? It may look different than it did in the past, but we can still rebuild our support networks. It starts with recognizing that motherhood doesn’t have to be a solo job, but one that embraces the idea that it takes a village to raise a child. 

Here’s how you can start reviving this communal parenting practice:

1. Grow Your Support Circle or Village: Reach out to friends, family, and other parents who are willing to share in the responsibilities of child-rearing. Start with playdate swaps, where one parent watches the kids while the other gets a break. You may be surprised how many other moms are craving this kind of support!
2. Join Parenting Co-Ops, Groups and Apps: Look for parenting co-ops, groups, and apps where parents come together to share resources, give each other support, or get tools to track their journey. Supports like these can not only offer you practical help but also create space to connect on an emotional level with others through real stories and advice.
3. Seek Professional Help When Needed: There’s no shame in asking for help! Mental health professionals, like therapists and counselors, can offer support and strategies to help manage the lows and highs of parenting. They can guide you toward a healthier balance in your life.

The Need for the Village Now

The concept of a village supporting a mother has not only stood the test of time but remains as relevant today as ever! While society has changed and modern life may make communal living more difficult, it’s crucial that we find ways to rekindle the support systems that once made raising kids a shared effort. 

When we have a community that actively participates in caregiving, the benefits extend beyond the mother. Their kids benefit from having multiple trusted adults in their lives that make them feel more secure, loved, and supported too. This kind of approach reduces burnout, allows for self-care, and promotes mental well-being for the whole village.

Final Thoughts to Leave You With

• What does your “village” look like?
• How supported or isolated do you feel in your journey of motherhood