How Setting Your Boundaries Empowers Your Child

Out in the world, a boundary can be a fence or a highway guardrail or even a door. It’s pretty easy to recognize objects that regulate access to space, right?

When it comes to our personal boundaries, they may be hard to recognize even though everyone has them.

You probably don’t stand too close to someone in line at the grocery store and you don’t speak when someone else is speaking. These examples of boundaries are so common you may not even recognize them!

Parents have boundaries at home with kids, too:

Knock before you open a closed door.

Ask permission before you go outside.

Don’t borrow anything of mine without asking.

Boundaries are often called rules and we ask kids to follow a lot of them. Have you ever asked your child what their boundaries are?

Kids understand that they are rule-followers and that adults are the rule-setters. There are lots of good reasons for this including keeping children safe, but kids and teens can benefit from understanding what their personal rules are.

A good first step is being transparent about your boundaries and encouraging your child to name and enforce theirs.

Start by describing what a boundary is. Kids can understand a definition like: “a boundary is a rule about how you want others to treat you.”

Give them some examples from your own life along with the consequences of what happens when that boundary is crossed.

“I don’t allow you borrow my things without asking because it’s important to me to choose what you can use. If you do that, you won’t be allowed in my room anymore. That’s one of my boundaries.”

Boundaries can help kids develop empathy, the ability to understand someone else’s perspective, by seeing how their behavior affects others. Boundaries can also be tools that empower kids to take control of stressful situations.

For example, your child may not get along with someone in their class. Interacting with this person might lead to stress or an unwanted situation like getting in trouble for fighting.

Your child can set their own boundary to only hang out with friends that respect them or not start conversations with classmates that want to fight with them.

Consequences for crossing your child’s boundary may be clear with their friends, but it may seem strange for kids to have that kind of influence on their parents’ behavior.

Remember that setting boundaries is an important developmental skill, and one that will ultimately strengthen your relationship with your child. Work together with your child to find a solution that respects both their autonomy and your house rules.

For example, you may have to find creative solutions for a child who wants to set a privacy boundary of leaving their bedroom door closed when a friend is over in a house if you have an open-door house rule.

Making conversations about boundaries a regular part of life can help your child (and you!) develop new social, emotional, and leadership skills.

Start by modeling your own boundaries and being transparent about how your values shape these choices. Helping your child identify and articulate their own boundaries strengthens their sense of self and adds to their coping skills toolkit.